Twilight Spoof
by Blackie Shell Paws and Furface
Summary: This is a parody of Twilight. Enjoy!
1. Introduction

Edward looked down at Bella. Well, he was actually at her height. And standing on a chair (as he always did to make him look taller).

"Bella," He said slowly. As in really slowly. Because he had been about to say 'Beetle' and then he had remembered that that wasn't her name, and had stopped for a second to remember it, "I love

you." His terrible attempt at an American accent (though he was American) made a random stranger who happened to be watching snigger.

Yes. They were standing in the middle of the street.

"I urrm...I….I love….you...too." Bella said slowly.

She might have known Edward's name at some point, but, like everything else she might have known at some point, the knowledge had probably fallen out of one of the two holes in her head.

Some people would have called them 'ears', but Bella had never taken Advanced Biology. Or any Biology for that matter.

Edward then led her to the restaurant (after having tied a separate chair to each foot, that is). They were given a table and a waiter came to take their order.

"What do you want Bella?" He asked. She gave him a quizzical look, and he repeated his question at half the speed, "What...do...you...want...to….eat?"

Then a quarter of the speed, "B-e-l-l-a, w-h-a-t y-o-u w-a-n-t e-a-t?" He enunciated each letter clearly.

Finally, after he had made some wild hand gestures along with the slowest speech he could possibly make without garbling the words, she understood.

As they were in Mcdonalds, she knew her order off by heart. She often went to Mcdonalds, and the employees there had taught her the vocab.

"I want… eat…. Computer cable. And…for sides...I order paintbrush. I want drink...horseshoe." Bella then said proudly. She had been rehearsing this line for weeks. Edward looked at her

uncertainly.

"Are you sure you learnt that sentence right?" He asked, with a look of loving concern on his face. Bella glared.

"You...insult my…English?" And slapped him feebly.

He laughed and said jokingly, "Your slaps do not affect me, for I am a vampire."

Bella's eyes widened. As someone who had never taken Biology, she had only understood one word: sock. With that, she ran out of the restaurant, more frightened than a frightened rabbit after

having seen a frightening fox and watching a frightening film on a frightening night.

* * *

**_Hey there! SO- thanks for reading this :) hopefully you enjoyed it? Please tell me by reviewing :D_**

**_Furface xx  
_**


	2. New Moon Parody

"Bella." Edward told her slowly, seductively, "I need to go now. My curfew's in 3 minutes, at 2pm. I need to be in bed by 3. I'll see you tomorrow."

Of course, Bella only heard 'leave,' and ran into a corner to cry. She refused to eat for days, even when Edward came in to comfort her. The fifteenth time he did this, she turned and screamed at

him, "Stop dressing up as Edward to make me feel better, Dad! It's not WORKING!"

Edward had muttered back, "Well nor are you." It was true, Bella had missed 3 weeks of school so far. Her father was dying with worry, or, more accurately, dying: he couldn't cook. Or shop for

food. Or microwave. Or order at restaurants. Before Bella had come, he had relied on his neighbour, who had brought him food everyday after Charlie had convinced him he was handicapped.

When Bella had arrived, the neighbour had spotted Charlie walking up his drive. From then on he had refused to bring food.

They ate nothing for the rest of the school year. As I'm immitating Stephenie Meyer's writing style, I'm not actually going to explain Bella's state, or describe the months of her emptiness from

another character's point of view.

Instead I'm going to write random words.

Chicken liver.

Sausage.

Shoelace.

Feather.

Eventually, the Summer holidays came. The Cullens left on the very first day for their annual holiday to a random unknown island where it was permanently sunny so that they could sparkle all the

time and feel cool.

A week in, Alice came back to collect her favourite door handle. She had felt so alienated from everyone without it: Edward had his plastic bottle which he liked to chew on, Emmett had his pink

wig, Rosalie had her blanket make from loads of facial wipes sewn together, and Jasper had his spelling test vocab- which he still hadn't learnt- in his pocket (there were 3 words: dog, cat, and

antidisestablishmentarianism). Esme and Carlisle shared a radiator which they had ripped out of their bedroom wall, and refused to go anywhere without.

Alice decided to drop in to Bella's house to see if she could help with anything. Charlie hadn't lost any weight, because he had been eating the couch at a steady rate, and since he had dropped his

food on it multiple times, it had contained enough nutrients to keep him going.

"Hi, Charlie." Alice smiled, "How are you? What did you eat today?"

"I'm fine, thanks. I found another mouldy sausage under my cushion, so I ate that, and some of the cushion."

"Aww! You're so lucky! My parents don't let me eat mouldy food since I got a deadly food poisoning disease. Pity really, it was so good…" She replied with total sincerity, "So where's Bella?"

He gave her a bored look, "Take a guess. She hasn't moved from there since September."

Hmmm...That's a hard one… Alice thought to herself, "Oh! I know! The kitchen!"

"No."

"Then...must be...the bathroom!"

"No."

"How about...the living room!"

"We're in the living room."

"Then the dining room?"

"There isn't one."

Alice opened my mouth to guess at another room, but he stopped me with a small hand gesture.

"You know what? I think I'll tell you, hun." He flashed a paedophilic smile at her, "She's in her bedroom."

"Thanks!" Alice exclaimed, before skipping/dancing upstairs (and tripping up on every step).

"Maybe I should just walk normally up stairs…" She muttered to herself, "But just up stairs, not on the street. I'll skip in public." She promised.

"Bella!"

"Go away, Dad. Your Alice costume can't fool me." Bella muttered in fluent gibberish, which Alice happened to speak. Charlie had taught it to her.

"No really, it's me, Alice."

"The Cullens left, dad. Forever."

"Sure….About that, Edward really misses you, Bella."

Bella sprang out of bed.

"HE'S GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE BECAUSE HE THINKS I'M DEAD?" Bella screamed.

"No, not exactly." Alice tried to tell her, but she was already online (though she had no internet) booking plane tickets to Italy.

"Bella, the rest of my family aren't in Italy- they're in a random island not far off the coast of India."

"You can't stop me from saving my Eddie-Weddie." She growled, before printing off her tickets with a non-existent printer, "Let's go now."

Alice was about to complain, but then realised that Charlie would probably want her to go to chaperone his child and keep her safe.

"You drive. I sleep." She growled, "And I'm not going to tell my father in case he worries about me."

She ran down the stairs, dragging Alice along behind her. Her feet thudded down on each step, waking Charlie up from his dozing on the sofa.

"Bella! Is that you?" He called, recognising her footsteps immediately.

"No!" Bella replied, "I'm not Bella!"

"Oh. OK then." Charlie mumbled before falling back asleep.

Within sixteen hours, they were in Italy.

"We're there, Bella." Alice shook her awake and she screamed.

"AARRRGGHHH!" Then she fell back asleep, muttering, "Tired. So tired." The fact that she had slept for the whole year, and the past sixteen hours, made no difference.

"OK then…" Alice pulled Bella into a crummy old car.

"Such a….pretty Lambourghini." Bella sighed, obviously oblivious to the smell of dog poo and old person fart. Alice drove her to the nearest town.

"We're going to stay here for the night." She decided, but Bella had her own plans.

"NO! Edward's plan is to walk into the sunlight at midday. If I don't stop him, he'll die of vitamin C overdose!"

Alice sighed.

"Where is he going to do this?"

"Clock tower."

Another sigh.

"OK, go find it yourself though."

Bella nodded, before sprinting over to a statue, which she seemed to think was a clock tower. Along the way, she tripped over a few children, but nothing mattered to her, except for the dark figure

in the shade of the statue.

"EDWARD!" She screamed, but above the deafening sound of the light drizzle, no one heard her. She repeated herself, louder this time, but Edward did not hear (he was somewhere near India,

remember?).

Finally, she reached the statue, and tripped over it, landing head first on the stone. Her face was covered in blood and she was missing some teeth, but she could feel no pain, for she was looking

at Edward.

Well, she wasn't, it was actually a random drunk man who had passed out in a pile of his own sick.

"Edward!" She shrieked, before magically appearing back in her house, hugging the actual Edward.

* * *

**_Yes- two chapters in one day- that is because I wrote this quite a while ago, actually._**

**_Also- this is the longest chapter of parody I've ever written- because it's of an entire book, not a chapter ^_^_**

**_Thanks for reading- NOW REVIEW :D_**

**_Furface xx  
_**


End file.
